


Sex Education

by J_EnotsoLovely



Series: Zosan with Kids [5]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Brotp ZoNa, Explicit Language, Gen, Lesbian Nami (One Piece), M/M, Minor Nami/Nefertari Vivi, More Like Holding Conversations, Orion is Smart, Pansexual Roronoa Zoro, Roronoa Zoro is Bad At Feelings, Sex Education, Vulgar Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27225928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_EnotsoLovely/pseuds/J_EnotsoLovely
Summary: "Shit." He gasped, remaining eye widening as remembered something, looking at Nami with a bewildered expression. "Fuck Nami, I don't even remember how to have sex with a woman, let alone explain it to my 15 year old son!"
Relationships: Nami & Roronoa Zoro, Nami/Nefertari Vivi, Roronoa Zoro & Original Character(s), Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Series: Zosan with Kids [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1981886
Comments: 22
Kudos: 109





	Sex Education

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Taurnil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taurnil/gifts).



> Wanted to have fun with this one xD
> 
> I hope you enjoy~
> 
> Also: I have an hc where Zoro and Nami have a relationship, similar to my hc for ZoLu, that's queerplatonic. Super close, but not romantic.
> 
> not beta'd :)

Zoro couldn't fucking believe he lost rock-paper-scissors to the cook. 

Bullshit.

He paced in the Navigation Chamber, too busy trying to not _pull his fucking hair out_ to even bother with the filthy witch, who was cackling deviously as she ruffled wads of cash in her face.

Cash that previously belonged to the swordsman.

Zoro couldn't even bring himself to lament on the lost beri, so fucking _distraught_ over what he was about to do. 

"Shit." He gasped, remaining eye widening as remembered something, looking at Nami with a bewildered expression. " _Fuck_ Nami, I don't even remember _how_ to have sex with a woman, let alone explain it to my 15 year old son! Don't even get me started on anal. The _hell_ am I supposed to do?"

She shrugged, pocketing the money as if scared he'd tried to take it back for her unhelpfulness and fixed the swordsman with a deadpan glare. "The feeling of dick unceremoniously shoving its way through my vagina is one I've worked long and hard to forget and I don't make penetration of any sort a habit unless Vivi's on the other side of it."

"Yeah, yeah, you've got a great sex life." The man drawled, calmer now, but still heavy with the desire to bash his head into a wall and let Chopper treat his injuries, subsequently forcing Sanji to talk to their son instead.

"One of the best actually." She agreed primly, a smug expression overcoming her features. "Not just _anyone_ can say they had a pretty princess moaning like a bitch in heat."

Zoro gave a matching smirk at the vulgar words--vaugely proud of his money thieving friend( fuck who _wouldn't_ be; they were both pirates who managed to snag fucking _royalty_ )--, only mildly disturbed at the notion that he'd said something quite similar to the chef before. 

Great minds think alike and all that shit. He eyed the red-head with minute interest, trying to dredge up the appeal that was hiding in the recesses of his mind-- or his dick.

Shit it was _somewhere._

The witch caught his appraising (if it could be called that) glance and pouted, leaning forward in a way that deepened her cleavage. "Seems like you enjoy what you see. Wanna go at it, big guy?"

It was unquestionably the hottest thing he'd ever seen from any of his potential female partners, with the exception of Robin that one time a long, _long_ time ago. And being that the action was so damn sexy, and yet all he sported for it was a limp dick and mild irritation at the antics, Zoro came to the conclusion that the cook had poisoned him.

The Love Cook had a made a love potion and slipped it into his food when the swordsman's guard was down. It would explain _everything._

Especially considering that his husband was the most annoying, skirt chasing, shitty ass, fancy fucking too tight pants wearing ass, shoes that needed to be shines 24/7 having ass human to ever exist in the whole motherfucking world.

So the blonde must've drugged him. It was the only way.

"I owe you an apology." Zoro stated solemnly, forcing himself not to snicker. "Its seems the shitty cook was the witch all along, and just used you as a shield to hide his true nature."

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?" She questioned, then laughed soon after, when what he said processed. "You fucking oddball. You can get all macho and dominant but lovey-dovey shit turns you to mush." Shook her head, mutter aloud. "Heh, _witch,_ he said. He called his husband a witch." The red-head cackled. 

He blushed as the words hit their mark, growling in embarrassment. "Whatever." The swordsman growled, running a hand over his face. "Let's get this over with, and then go out for a drink at the nearest island."

There was silence, then a warm smile was thrown his way, and Nami laced his arm with her own tugging on it playfully. "You're thinking about it too much. He's 15 Zoro, and probably already knows the basics, if not everything. It'll be easy. And then we can relax in a warm bath, how's that sound?"

He let out a low breath, steeling himself the way he did before a battle. "Alright, lets go."

-

Orion was out on deck, sharpening Wado with a concentrated expression. The man felt a proud sensation fill his heart as he stared at his son. 

"Oi, brat, finish up and come here. The witch and I gotta talk to you." He called, the teen's silent middle finger answer enough. 

"What do you need old man?" The raven head asked once he finished, fixing his father with a glare. 

Shit.

_Shit._

How the _fuck_ was he supposed to start this damn speech?

Nami elbowed him in the ribs, giving him a pointed look.

"Alright, listen you fucking brat. When a two people love each other very much..."

"Even if they're the same gender?" Orion questioned, an unreadable glint in his eyes.

"Yes." The green haired man grit. "Anyways, if they love each other enough, shit, sometimes if they're just drunk and in need of some bodily alleviation, they uh...they fuck." He finished lamely, unable to use more finesse. 

"Fuck?" The 15 year old said, tilting his head to the side in an innocent gesture that was way too fucking suspicious. 

"Yes. _Fuck._ Have sex. Get it on. Do the dirty. Those are a few phrases." He stated dryly. 

"Do the dirty? Can't say I've heard that one." The navigator purred seductively. "Must be new, I should try it sometime."

Orion giggled, the sounds growing to a large laugh, so much so that he slapped the deck in hilarity. "Holy shit old man. You should see the look on your face! Can't even talk about sex without getting all flustered."

Zoro stared at his son blankly, uncomprehending until suddenly it hit the swordsman like a flash of lighting. "YOU _SHIT."_ He screamed, grabbing the teen by the collar of his shirt and shaking him violently. "YOU ALREADY KNEW DIDN'T YOU???"

The raven head shrugged, cackling loudly. "Robin already had this talk with me, told me all of it, everything." The teen wrinkled his nose, obsidian eyes glittering with amusement. "Maybe too much honestly."

The man let go of his son's shirt, letting it slip from his grasp as he gave a defeated sigh. His face was burning, a bright, burning red.

"Just...tell me when you want to start heading to brothels okay? I think I might die talking to you about sexually transmitted diseases but _hell_ if I won't work my ass off to win that game of rock-paper-scissors. 

"Sure thing dad." Orion said, patting him comfortingly on the arm.

Having a kid was over rated.

"Porn mags are under the bed, they're yours, just don't let Sanji know. Or if you do, don't mention that _I_ know."

"I guess it wouldn't do well to tell you that I already knew that, huh?"

Zoro buried his face in Nami's shoulders, the woman rubbing his arm in a rare public display of affection.

He _really_ needed that drink now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you really enjoyed! This was fun to write! <3
> 
> Leave a comment and let me know what you think.


End file.
